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Genitals of the Universe


This post contains explicit sexual images and material.

The intent of this post is to pander to prurient interests and alert to the pan-sexual nature of life. While prurient, this post also introduces an admittedly crude reclassification of the familiar. To de-nude, if you will, our usual nomenclature. But offered in Latin, for scientific purposes.

Shame and Embarrassment

Freud was right.1 We spend enormous mental energy denying, repressing, and sublimating our primal preoccupation with sex. Sex inhabits us, pervades us, surrounds us; it is in the air we breathe, the food we eat, the liquids we drink, the decorative patterns we desire, the gifts we give. We engage in elaborate mental gymnastics to transfigure the explicit erotic and sexual nature of our activities, while also joyously continuing our active, enthusiastic participation.

We are a curious animal; singular in our shame about the act of procreation, idiosyncratic in our embarrassment about our genitals. Ironically, we also use our shame and embarrassment to heighten sexual attraction and desire. Mass nudity, ubiquitous undress, bores. But put patches over our genitals, design alluring coverings, pouches, and peek-but-not-boo adornments, we then create “private parts”. The mundane is transformed to the mysterious and highlighted as off-limits. And, thus, is eroticized.

Genitals of the Universe

B. Kilban

The depictions above are the imaginative work of B. Kilban, a noted cartoonist for Playboy magazine in its heyday. The cartoon is funny because it draws attention to the bizarre, weird, and ludicrous shape of human genitals. Oh, what devilish humor doth random mutation possess! And no wonder the embarrassment—for that species possessing a bit of self-awareness.

Kilban’s genitals of the universe bring into relief awareness of the fantastical shape of our own genitals. But we need not speculate about extraterrestrial sex organs to gain this appreciation, for the riotous forms of terrestrial genitalia, and the sexual activity that abound among those with whom we share the planet, are beyond our wildest imaginings—should we care to notice. Indeed, these cartoon genitals are but pale, simple sketches when compared to what occurs in our midst. We do not notice because we use “formal wear” in our language, which serves to cloak our participation in the bumptious debauchery of life. To fully appreciate this debauchery, we must disrobe the “formal wear”; hence this post. Many beautiful, strange, outrageously bizarre forms of genitalia, and the manner of their use, flourish, but space limitations require parsimony.

De-nuding and Disrobing

LABIA MAJORA FLOS.2 (Conventionally called ‘flower petals’) (Often accompanied by an alluring fragrance to enhance sexual contact). There are a number of varieties including:

Labia Majora Flos Laetus.3

Example of Labia Majora Flos Laetus
Conventionally called “Sun Flower

Labia Majora Flos Immanemque.4

Example of Labia Majora Flos Immanemque
Conventionally called “Daylily
What better way to say “I love you?'”or “Be My Valentine?”then by giving the gift of these alluring sexual genitalia?5

Labia Majora Flos Periculo.6

Example of Labia Majora Flos Periculo
Conventionally called “Fishhook Cactus flower” 7


OVUM MATURESCERE.8 (Conventionally called “fruit”).

Example of Ovum Maturescere.
Conventionally called “apple
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

Varieties include:

Ovum Suci9 (conventionally called “fruit juice”)

Example of Ovum Suci
Conventionally called “orange juice”


Ovum Induravitque10 (conventionally called “nuts”).

Example of Ovum Induravitque
Conventionally called “walnuts”


MAMMALIUM GENERATIUA PRODUCTUM.11 (Conventionally called “dairy products”).

Conventionally called “cows milk”
Conventionally called “ice cream”
“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!”



Conventionally called “eggs”



Conventionally called “pollen”
(Macro image)

Each day, the newspaper publishes the pollen count, giving the values for pollen levels in the air of the various plants and trees that can cause respiratory and allergic difficulties. These, of course, are sperm clouds that we inhale with every breath.

SPERMA NIMBOSTRATUS14 (Conventionally called tree seeds). A cousin to SPERMA NIMBOSTRATUS, these are the reproductive missives that float through the air, helicopter from the sky, and rain down from tree branches.

Conventionally called “Maplewood seeds”

SEXUS INTERSPECIES.15 We are appalled, and alarmed, at the thought of humans having sex with other animals; bestiality is the common word used, and it is a crime in most localities. However, cross-species sex is a fundamental strategy for the propagation of life. The proverbial birds and bees, along with butterflies, ants, beetles, bats and flies, engage in interspecies sexual commerce that enables much of flowering life to reproduce.

Hummingbirds and flowers
“Oral Sex”
Butterfly and flower
“Getting it on”

Next Time

Next time you buy flowers for a loved one, or to beautify your house or garden, or take time to nestle your nose in the petals to ‘smell the roses’; next time you pick a floral pattern to wear or decorate; next time you go to the grocery store and squeeze the grapefruit for the juiciest, fondle the apples for the ripest, or sip your morning orange juice; next time you savor your berries and nuts; next time you quaff your milk, nibble your buttered toast, or indulge yourself with ice cream; next time you devour your omelette, or delight in your cookies, cake, brownies, or pie; next time you sneeze, wheeze, cough or your nose runs; next time you admire a hummingbird licking nectar from a flower, a butterfly slowly undulating its beautiful wings on a bloom, or bees humming from blossom to blossom—AWAKE! We are intimates in the throbbing, surging urgency of life on this planet, seeking to thrust itself into the future.


  1. See Freud was Right
  2. I.e., Female Flower Genitals
  3. I.e., Beautiful Female Flower Genitals
  4. I.e., Gigantic Female Flower Genitals
  5. I confess, this variety of Labia Majora Flos is my favorite; they are so blatantly erotic they make me blush.
  6. I.e., Dangerous Female Flower Genitals
  7. Sex flourishes with a fierce beauty even in the harshest landscapes.
  8. I.e., Ripe Ovaries
  9. I.e., Ovary Juice
  10. I.e., Hardened Ovaries
  11. I.e., Products of Mammalian Reproduction
  12. I.e., Products of Bird Reproduction
  13. I.e., Nimbus Sperm Cloud
  14. I.e., Seeds from Seed Plants
  15. I.e., Interspecies Sex


  1. HWP

    Boy, do you have a dirty mind.

    • Brian Vandenberg

      Thank you. And I see you continued to read it despite the warnings…

  2. Linda Biegen

    That was a funny Saturday morning read. I’ve never thought of pollination as inter species sex but I have been grossed out by the chicken’s egg , although I still eat them anyway.

    • Brian Vandenberg

      I am glad you enjoyed it. I had fun putting it together, and am now going to have my morning orange juice…Brian

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